I thought marriage would be like dating. The kind of dating where I flip out, excitedly, every time he texts me. We would have weekly date nights. Just a night for us, talking about our hearts and our goals and our passions. I thought I would continue to be pursued.
And that is partly true. I am pursued, sometimes, by my husband, but his efforts are never quite satisfying. He doesn’t know my love language. He doesn’t know me enough to know what I really want. He doesn’t know me. Like what’s even the point of being married?
I sound pretty selfish. And I totally am.
This New Year’s Eve was a low-point for me. My New Year’s Eve didn’t look how I pictured it to be, emotionally or visually. I shared my vision for how we could celebrate New Year’s Eve, but I felt unheard. Why doesn’t my husband pursue me and my interests? Why doesn’t he do something? Why doesn’t he ask me what I want to do for the holidays and take my vision seriously?
But God always pursues. He sees my vision. He sees that I am easily hurt by things people don’t do. He knows that I am, we all are, often unsatisfied in my marriage or relationships.
I didn’t even think a wink about how God was loving me in this time of the year, what he was showing me.
On New Year’s Day, I realized I can’t sit idly by in the mode of pursued. My husband deserves to be pursued as well. And maybe God can change my heart to take myself off the throne for at least a season.
To allow God to be the center of my mornings, as mornings have been a problem recently, I have decided to send text messages. Instead of scrolling through other people’s lives on social media when I wake up, I am texting my husband my prayers for him that day. Then. I am texting myself prayers for myself and our family.
Praying has been absent from my life for far too long. And, if I pray in my head, I wind up thinking about what to cook for dinner later that day. This also seems like a simple way to pursue my husband and point him towards Christ all the while.
Have you been sitting in the role of the pursued? Is there someone in your life you can pursue, whether a significant other, friend, or family member?
What part of your day isn’t very fruitful? How can you transform that time into one that is centered on God’s vision?